It is generally socially accepted that we avoid speaking about something that is obnoxiously filling a space and at the same time is seemingly ignored.
Has it been mentioned yet?
If we acknowledge it, how then will it behave?
Are we playing along with each other so as to not disturb the beast?
If I pretend to not see it, will it disappear on its own?
Grief tends to become correlated with sadness, but I am coming to learn that it has its own emotional vibration and isn't always mapped somewhere between sad and happy. This ambiguity allows us to experience it as either or even both at any time. And regardless of the emotion, when we consider that nothing can truly be created from nothing or destroyed into nothing, it gives space for us to consider that Grief is the energy that fills a space when we experience loss.
Loss can arise in our lives in varying ways and for as many things, people, relationships, scenarios, dreams, feelings, connections, memories as can be imagined - and more. Loss can be perceived with so much conviction that it becomes our reality. It is even quite easy to convince ourselves that we have lost something before it is actually gone. Or that we have lost something we never actually had. We can - and do - convince ourselves of a lot of things when fear and loss are present.
The truth is that we are never not whole. Even when we feel holes rip through us from the feeling of losing parts of our selves, our people, our world, and our experiences we hold dear, I am coming to believe (or at least consider) that Grief arrives to hold us together. Grief steps in to fill the holes and to help us maintain our foundations, our sense of purpose, and maybe even our hope. What is tricky, is that this "elephant" that is now invited in to occupy space is foreign to us. It is not us and so we default to rejecting and possibly shaming the existence of it as opposed to welcoming, engaging, or integrating it. We then find ourselves not only feeling the pressure to deal with the loss of something that once felt like a part of us -- we also have to deal with an energy that isn't ours occupying spaces within us as we wrestle with our new paradigm. How can we trust this new, unfamiliar and unwanted thing that has replaced what we hold most dear?
And even still, I don't believe the energy of grief is intending to sit where it is not wanted. It is not an opportunistic intruder that refuses to leave or a curse that we need to cut out in order to heal. Reframed, Grief is offering itself as the bridge to enable our deepest healing. To provide the energetic network to connect us from one side of our selves to the other in order to repair the gaps we viscerally and sometimes violently experience. To help keep us whole while we heal our wounds and our fragments back together.
Grief, through this lens, is our ally.
Maybe the question is considering how we can work with Grief, instead of dodging the acknowledgement of its presence.
Many people will advise that "time heals all wounds". And that can be true, given enough time is experienced. One of the biggest challenges about time, however, is that we all experience it differently. Our emotions, moods, situations, hunger levels, safety, sensitivities, and all sorts of other factors can dramatically shift our personal perception of what "a few minutes" can feel like. So, if time heals all wounds, could we suggest that we are also in control of what we do with our time when we are in particularly helpful (or less helpful) moods when moving through loss and grief?
In some of my greatest sufferings with grief, I was offered the guidance that everyone must suffer what they need to suffer. Whether that's for the sake of their Higher purpose, learning, or karmic consequences of decisions made and actions taken, I feel that this notion of "time" can shift based on how we approach the emotions and phases and stories we have in front of us to face. No one can do our suffering for us -- so it is up to us to decide how we will respond to these phases of our lives.
And from a completely neutral position of writing my thoughts out to share with you, the next logical tool is to draw upon Acceptance.
I'm not sure (but maybe I am quite sure) that anything can speed up time spent in grief, loss, suffering, fear, or any of these more challenging emotions than acceptance. The condition, though, being that we have to really mean it.
In the last year I was offered the wisdom to embrace radical acceptance. Acceptance so wild because there is no other possible way to get to this point other than to radically launch ourselves into at least pretending we can see and accept things as they are and how they have come to pass. Nothing short of uncomfortable.
And as we test this out, and sit here now in the feeling of radical acceptance, we maybe start to notice the way that Grief has been forming the sinew across our wounds so that we have some semblance of a bridge to at least entertain that it could be possible to get to the other side. That there is acceptance to be held. That maybe we can pull these two sides of our wounds together - across a chasm of loss and emptiness - and find ourselves again. Embracing ourselves again when it feels like absolutely nothing can replace what was lost. And maybe even accepting that as we heal these holes in ourselves we learn how to fill it with important memories, stories, and moments that allow us to see how our love grows into beautiful things, every time, even when they are temporary.
So then. Do we acknowledge the elephant in the room?
Maybe sometimes we need to. And maybe sometimes we need other to do so for us.
But there is a chance that considering whether we do or don't or will or won't only delays our opportunity to be present with what that elephant might be trying to show us -- the way to acceptance.
We are gathering as a community for a ceremonial event called The Healing Hoop: Holding Hands with Grief. To me, grief can be found and associated with the loss of anything we hold with any kind of care, hope, or intention. If sitting in circle with us for an evening to allow the expression, reflection, or opportunity to sit with your elephant(s) speaks to you, please consider joining us.
As a parting gift, my favourite oracle deck (the Wild Unknown Animal Spirit) has an Elephant in it. An exalted, final champion at the end of the fire element portion of the deck. The guidance written by Kim Krans is below. May it help you as you navigate your path ahead as well.
In gratitude and love,
Soumya
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